As soon as the doctor announced my parents that my mom’s test was lost and that it probably was showing a positive result for cancer, we all froze. None of us could rationalize anything anymore. None of us thought to calm the fear that suddenly conquered our minds. None of us wondered how and why the doctor was so sure about the result, if the analyses were lost?
We chose only to fear! Was it good or was it bad… who will ever know the answer?
I know only that I remember those moments.
My mind froze. My brain felt paralyzed. My heart was in shock. All my being suddenly understood that now, in my young life existed the variant that my mom would soon be leaving us.
Should I try to show the undisclosed feelings I had in my heart at that time? Should I try to explain the inexplicable thoughts that were running through my mind? I am sure you can imagine it.
But… I will say that suddenly I felt that the only solution for that situation was a Prayer. I was raised in a family in which prayer was not a priority. I am not complaining and I was very happy being raised in my family. Maybe they were not so much into religion, but for sure the love was shining ever so brightly.
I had no idea what a prayer was at that time. I am thinking now that it probably was a good thing that I had no idea what it was and how it should be done. Because the next day, the test result was found; and of course it was negative… meaning no trace of any illness.
Since then I have been wondering… What is a Prayer?
I know… they say it is a petition to God in word or thought. However, is this definition enough to make us really feel what a Prayer is?
Each day, billions of people send these petitions to a God or to Gods, which ever they believe in. I am wondering now… what makes a petition more worthy to fulfill, than another one sent through the same kind of despair? Is the depth of desperation the key? Does a Gate exist, through which a prayer should be sent? Is there somehow a secret here?
I remember again those moments when the fear and despair conquered my brain. The prayer that I raised… came directly from my heart and not even one moment was it filtered by my brain. The Prayer raised directly from my Heart, aimed exactly to the highest level, which I could ever imagine.
I am wondering… are we really aware of what a petition sent to God means?
When in need we tend to blame God, our Creator. “Why have you left me?” we cry and yell from the depth of our hearts. But… do we really cry from the depth of our hearts? Is it somehow possible to filter this cry through our brains?
It is said that His love is infinite… so how can He ever leave us in despair? Is it Him who left us… or… is it possible that no one did this? Are we the ones who maybe left Him? Has our connection with Him turned wicked by our fear and despair?
I am wondering… the moment we yell to Him, we pray to Him… we ask Him… Yes! I just said it. We ask Him anything, anytime, anyhow, anywhere. We ask, and ask, and ask Him to change for us.
I am wondering now… is it possible that this could be a wrong approach? Is this a prayer that will be heard? Are we worthy… really worthy… to ask Him to change conditions for us?
Or… must the change be done in us?
So, I am wondering… and I will always wonder… What is a Prayer?